Cloudy Day

attracted to pain
like a moth to light
when the lights go off
I bid my smile farewell
and welcome my woes
I recount the smiles I saw
the fake ones too
turn my tear soaked pillow
and remember what I didn’t see
I remember what I lost, remember the war
the battles I won and the ones that I lost
I remember the feeling of feeling human
but it’s a distant memory
I remember being told “it’s gonna be okay”
I mean I remember the fantasy
because nobody cares, unless it hits home, one man army, your own triage
your own SOS
your own backup
but you still grapple with the occasional self-pity
the self doubt
not being able to breath is the worst
your lost and so desperately need to find your way
but the world does not offer navigation nor compass
because even the world is lost
in its race for riches
so I stare into space
one breath at a time
screams locked inside my throat
the dam walls cracked but holding
the pillow dry now
so I get up
put pen to paper
and dream up new pain
to cover the horrific one
better than my own
where happy endings exist
and sandcastles don’t disintegrate
where the cold brings hope
and free hugs because who doesn’t want a hug
where the sun doesn’t set
so nightmares don’t prevail
where cloudy days are celebrated not dreaded
I dream of this pain, I birthed it and named it Joy
the son I miscarried, I almost died of sorrow
and I mean Joy
means I strayed far from God
and I found lucifer
he fed me lies
and stole my blessing
stole my Joy
it’s time to wake though
the dawn is here
I stumble and crawl
put on my superwoman vest
And wait on God

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3 thoughts on “Cloudy Day

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